Saturday, February 16, 2008
There are so many women who seem to have it “together” in all areas of their life— except for their love life. Yet part of finding and being the “authentic you” may include finding someone with whom to have a loving relationship.
I recently had an opportunity to have an interview with dating coach and former Hollywood Agent, Victorya Michaels Rogers to ask her some of her secrets to succeeding at one of the most anxiety filled parts of life—dating. Here are her answers inspired from her latest book, THE AUTOMATIC 2nd DATE.
ANITA: Victorya, in your latest book you say you went on over 100 first dates and 98% asked you out for a 2nd! Were you just a natural at dating or was there a point in your dating life where things dramatically changed to gain that high percentage?
VICTORYA: I was NOT a natural at dating. They don’t teach you how to date in school. Sure I had my share of 1st dates, but I didn’t have my first BOYFRIEND until I was 21! It wasn’t until utter frustration at 23 that I decided to really study the art of dating. I read every dating book on the shelves and observed successful couples and watched the celebrities around me since I was in Hollywood. I learned the walk and the talk and finally men took notice, asked me out and the 2nd dates began to become automatic.
ANITA: What are some definite “Do’s” to keep in mind on first dates?
VICTORYA: Here are my five top “Do’s" aside from looking at your date: 1) Look your best, 2) Put your best self forward, 3) laugh with him, 4) flatter him, and especially 5) listen to him. As I said, I always recommend asking your date a lot of questions about him then truly listening to his answers. Like every other human being, he is his own favorite subject, so he’ll be sure to have a great time and besides you WANT the information he reveals so you can figure out if you two are a match long before you are emotionally involved.
ANITA: In Automatic 2nd Date you recommend asking lots of questions. You even give us 100 potential questions. How do we avoid turning it into an interview or worse, an interrogation?
VICTORYA: To keep questions from sounding like an interrogation listen to his answers to your questions and go from there. You’re guiding the conversation, not dictating it. If you genuinely stay tuned in and listen to him, then the questions that come to your mind will help the conversation flow naturally and you will draw him to you. One of the easiest ways to get a 2nd date is to be genuinely interested in what your date has to say! Everyone wants to be heard. When you listen he will feel understood and he will want to see you again. So offer your undivided attention, look him in the eye, ask relevant questions, and be sure to laugh at his jokes!
ANITA: Are there any definite “First Date Don’ts” to ensure a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: Ha, there are definitely some First Date Don’ts! 1st dates are about holding back. Use RESTRAINT and self control across the board if you want your first date to become a 2nd date. That goes for whatever you say and whatever you do. Here are my top 7 Don’ts for First Dates.
--Don’t dress sleazy
--Don’t talk too much
--Don’t go off on past relationships
--Don’t reveal hatred for the male species
--Don’t expose enormous debt
--Don’t tell him he’s THE ONE
--Don’t put out on that first date!
ANITA: What would you say to someone who went on a date, thought everything was perfect, yet never received a call back for a second date?
VICTORYA: If you haven’t heard back from your date within a couple of weeks, even if you were convinced it went wonderfully, think back about that evening. Did you really have anything in common? Did you talk too much about yourself? Did you “go too far” physically to the extent that you felt a little guilty the next day? Did you act too needy, too pushy, too bossy, too snotty or too boring? If any of this is the case, your date may have been scared away and wouldn’t tell you even if you asked. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though; just let it go. It was only one date and if he’s gone, that person wasn’t meant for you. At least by reviewing it honestly in your mind, you may be able to learn what to do on your next first date.
ANITA: Thanks for these insights to dating. Where can our audience get your book as well as more dating tips?
VICTORYA: Thanks for having me. Yes, my website has a lot of additional tips and advice for single women! Check it out-- it’s http://www.mantokeep.com/. You can also order my books and learn about my coaching program. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and take risks. There is so much information I’d love to impart to you to make dating less anxiety filled, so feel free to visit my site anytime and/or check out my book The Automatic 2nd Date. Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author of The Automatic 2nd Date